By Janet Wahlquist

"God bless you in this new year. May He give you many opportunities to build gold and silver for eternity on the one foundation, Jesus Christ." (Corrie Ten Boom’s entry for Jan. 1, from This Day is the Lord’s).

A blessed New Year to all of you! This month I have on my heart the use of the rod and reproof. Of all New Year’s resolutions, I think that one which will yield the most fruit would be to purpose to use these God-given tools to benefit our children. Although I may have stated some of these points elsewhere, I want to remind myself and clarify our understanding.

We sometimes shy away from the very method which will provide joy and rest. Often, our reaction to a child’s misbehavior is to ignore it and hope it will go away (slothfulness). The famous phrase to ensure an eventual bad crop is "He’ll grow out of it." "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." (Pr. 29:15) That particular behavior may fade, but the root problem of sinful character and heart attitudes will not. Let us have faith in God’s promise to give our children wisdom through the use of the rod and reproof. "That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises." (Heb. 6:12)

Many child-training teachers will advocate that there is a time to administer the rod. The problem lies in their suggested use of many other techniques as well. Some examples are Time–outs, meting out logical consequences, loss of privileges, or rewards for good behavior. Other methods include: doing the same thing to the child that he just did to someone else, using quick swats or other pain to modify behavior, explaining why the behavior was wrong, or asking questions to elicit an emotional response of sorrow or to bring insight into other’s feelings. The parent is left to try to figure out whether this situation needs another method this time and which one, whether this was true foolishness or mere childishness, and whether this is extreme enough to merit a chastisement. For me personally, this was a paralyzing dilemma. In searching the scriptures, one cannot find these other ways. Some may be included in reproof, but the rod is left out. "In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding." (Pr. 10:13) Is the child lacking understanding? The rod and reproof will bring him wisdom and understanding, and they are what God states he needs. "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." (Pr. 13:24) When we avoid the rod, we are not loving our children. A note of importance is: never discipline in anger. That happens more often when we try other ideas and finally have had enough and have become irritated. Quickly and lovingly using God’s response to foolishness in the heart of our children will avoid this.

What about these other techniques? Sometimes they can seem logical and smart. Yet most of these responses to misbehavior tend to manipulate the child, and usually build a mindset in the child of selfishness. For instance, "Timmy, you cannot play outside today, because you did not stay in the yard as I told you to do." That sounds wise and magnanimous. Sounds O.K., yes, but why will Timmy stay in the yard tomorrow? For the self-serving goal of bringing pleasure to himself, since he likes being outside, and he doesn’t want to lose the privilege again. If the Time-out is used, it can have the same effect. "I hate to sit still" says the child, "so I’ll not do that again, at least not when I will get caught." The issue of rebellion to parental authority (or whatever issue is at hand) is not addressed. "For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God." (1 Cor. 3:19) The parent looks calm and in control, but most of these responses to a child’s wrong-doing actually strengthen that child’s will.

Without the rod and reproof, the right and wrong of things and God’s standard for holiness get glossed over. The fear of the Lord is not imparted, just the fear of consequences. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction." (Pr. 1:7) Opportunity to sit and pout (become bitter), to now have a new reason for a bad attitude is opened up. "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:" (1 Peter 5:8) "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:" (Eph. 4:31)"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;" (Heb. 12:15) We want to be vigilant to guard against attitudes springing up and troubling our children. The quick and relatively easy way of leaving choices up to the child is unwise. To me, it seems a variation of leaving a child to himself, to his own devices. "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him." (Pr. 22:15) Having a "deep" conversation on his misbehavior and how it affects others and how he would feel etc. cannot be healing in itself. He will not respond wisely, because foolishness is bound in his heart (although he may quickly learn the right things to say). Unless the rod and reproof are applied, which takes time and energy, he is really given control. It is implied that he now will be given responsibility to get the reward, avoid the negative, understand his behavior in a compassionate way, etc., but he won’t, because the heart is foolish. The way to drive it out, says the Lord, is the rod. Then the reproof of life will take hold. Then he will listen and become wise. "A wise son heareth his father's instruction:" (Pr. 13:1)

We want to resolve things completely, biblically, and without mirroring the wrong action or attitude the child is being disciplined for. Sowing bitterness, selfishness, or willfulness by our reasoning with them, offering choices, rewards, negative consequences, or using behavior modification, etc., will yield underlying issues which will cause much grief. We want each child to repent. Once a little one consistently demonstrates that he is a wise child, willing to be under authority and to be teachable, then there is a new level of dealing with problems. With careful discernment, a parent may now be able to simply verbally instruct the child with blessed results. I have heard a very similar lament from parents of adult children. They tell of one of their children who seemed to not need as many spankings, or who would seem so repentant that chastisement would not be administered. That child is now an adult, often unsaved, with a multitude of problems, and the parent wishes he had not spared the rod.