by Janet Wahlquist
This month we are going to look at the Family Table and how to make it happen. The Family Table can be generally described as a family gathering around the table at a meal, interacting, building relationships and imparting vision, the Patriarch presiding with honor and gravitas. After an inspiring sermon by Mr. Doug Phillips on this subject, I realized that every day in my parents home this wonderful event occurred. How did it happen so faithfully and why is it lost to so many families today?
The first thing that struck me was that so much of the success of the Family Table in our home was due to my mother. It wasn't that Dad was not in full command, but the engineering task which made his vision a reality was accomplished mostly by Mom. I found this out first hand after I got married. I loved our mealtimes growing up and looked forward to rich times of fellowship and communion during mealtime as a newlywed. What a surprise to find that so often we were eating at a Fast food chain, or that the conversation might end on a sour note. Soon, screaming little ones began to disrupt my idea of what dinner should be. What I found was that our Family Table didn't just happen. It took a lot of work, commitment, self-denial and vision on the part of my mom to achieve it.
Here are some of the seemingly commonplace ways that she made things work. First, and foremost, she was working with my Dad's vision: what he wanted our family to be like. Talk together with your husband. Listen. Ask questions to find out what he wants to see happen. Don't put him into awkward situations, expecting him to do things like your father or someone else. My mother did expect my dad to carve at the table. He was happy to, and hacked away with gusto. The problem was that my mother's father had been an artist and showman and nothing could match his dispatching of a turkey. Mom never let on if she was disappointed (or horrified), instead we all remember our dad as an expert carver. Positive support brings respect. Expectations bring bondage. We wives are not to hold others hostage to our demands of perfection. My multiple failures in this vital area have wrought much damage in the family. So, be heirs together of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7). Be a support and helpmeet to you husband's vision concerning the Family Table.
Now we come to the brass tacks. My mother stayed at home. She was there to create a calm ambiance, a clean, orderly house, and lovely meals. Early in my marriage, I was clueless as to why we ate out so often. Why were we always running to the store or scrambling to throw together a dinner? To my utter amazement, I discovered that my mom wrote down a menu of what she planned to cook for each meal. Then, with the menu to scan, she would make a complete grocery list of items needed to assemble those meals. She had a set shopping day. This whole process was very difficult for me at first. I had to force myself to apply this discipline weekly. But I always found that regular, inexpensive meals didn't happen (at least, not very often) without something like this type of organization. With a menu, and the items purchased and in the pantry, we also must carefully plan each day with time scheduled to prepare our meals, order the home, and order the children. They must have their routine and food at proper times during the day and their nap, etc., as well as the teaching of table manners. One rule in our home growing up was no phone calls during the dinner hour. We also had the same standard of manners and fine dining every night, with or without company. Be self-disciplined. Have a set time for the meal which everyone honors. Guard that time. Make regular meals a priority and a privilege.
Mealtimes can be such a joy when serious effort is made to promote edifying conversation. I look back and can not remember a single occasion when my parents spoke unkindly about someone else. Oh, they had plenty of reasons to complain or paint a nasty picture of an acquaintance, but they never did. The dinner table for us was a time to catch up on what each member had been up to, and what dreams or projects were on their hearts. Sometimes an issue had to be tackled, or an upcoming event planned. So much family history was passed on, and all the family stories told and retold. "Remember the time…" My father might single someone out for special praise or encouragement, or direct our attention to someone or something we could be thankful for. The topics and relationship-building exercises are endless. It was often my mother's artful direction of the conversation: introducing a subject, asking the perfect question, or affirming a truth, which made the Family Table such a successful tool to pass on multigenerational faithfulness. Be alert to the spirit of the conversation. Redirect it if necessary. Ask questions, pass on godly advice, Biblical and family heritage, and affirm, affirm, affirm. Many other excellent ideas for using this time wisely were mentioned by Mr. Phillips, including: Christian catechism, family catechism, Bible reading, singing, etc.
"Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt," (Col. 4:6)
"Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers." (Eph. 4:29)
Now back to the carving example. Are there things which must happen to make a Family Table successful? Should we do everything the way my parents or (fill in the blank) do them? Although I loved seeing my father standing at the head of the table carving a roast or turkey, my own wonderful husband did not grow up with that custom. I let that drop and learned how to cut up meat in the kitchen and serve it on a platter. We have still had great family dinners. My daughter (one of the previous screaming ones) actually can carve now with the dexterity of my grandfather. Enjoy your uniqueness as a family. Do make family traditions. Do put yourself into each meal. Be willing also to be flexible. Practice hospitality. The important thing for us as wives and mothers is to facilitate the father's vision and make possible the Family Table. We can do much to filling our husband's lamp of command with the light of how to make it happen (Prov. 6:20, 23). The Family Table is a blessed opportunity to strengthen the family, pass on and create memories, and impart spiritual refreshment and training. We can have much to do with making mealtimes of eternal value.
