by Elisha Ann Wahlquist, April 28th, 2007
Adorned in the silken white gown she had chosen for this very special day, the young woman was escorted down the aisle by her father. Her bright eyes were fastened on the young man who stood at the altar-her betrothed, the one who in minutes would be her husband. It was a moment of sheer joy and delight…
With up to half of today's marriages ending in heart-wrenching divorce, the fruit of the dating mindset is becoming increasingly alarming. The whole dating scheme is a set up for divorce and marital problems-when you are not pleased with the person, or the infatuation dies away, breakup is the exit, and you go on to a more "fulfilling" relationship, ad infinitum. Thus, when you do marry, and the first enchantment fades, you are emotionally set to "break up" through divorce. Not to mention the fact that when someone who has dated gets married, they can only give part of their heart (their emotions) to their spouse-the other bits and pieces were given away over the years to other people. They also carry emotional scars and heartbreaks from shipwrecked relationships. Duty and delight, responsibility and intimacy go hand in hand-with every privilege there is a purpose for it. Dating abdicates the responsibility and duty, and tries to have only the delight and intimacy, thus defrauding, and twisting what God has created.
Viewing the negative results of dating, an increasing number of people are going back to God's Word and seeking His plan for finding a spouse. They call the Biblical model various names, and each situation is uniquely different, but here is the basic framework. The young people commit to saving their whole heart and body for their future spouse. Then, in God's timing, the young man, after seeking direction and guidance from his parents, and with their approval, approaches the parents of the young lady he believes is the one who God planned to be his wife. The young lady's parents pray about it and evaluate the young man, and when they sense it is God's will, they approach their daughter about the possibility. Only when all six people (the young man, the young lady, and both sets of parents) determine that it is God's will for the two to get married, does the courtship begin. Now the young man and lady, and their families, get to know each other better. There is an engagement, and then the whole process is culminated in a marriage that is radiant with the fact that the young man and lady are pure, and have reserved themselves solely for each other. There are few things as glorious, exciting, and wonderful as such a marriage!
"That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;
Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:
That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified." (1 Thess. 4:4-6)
"Courtship is laying aside flirting (defrauding). Courtship is keeping myself free of emotional entanglements with the opposite sex, until a courtship begins. It is reserving myself fully (even emotionally) for the one that I will marry.
We should treat other people as "someone else's spouse", not getting emotionally involved until our life partner comes along." -my Dad
"But you miss out on so much fun when you do it that way," I can hear some object, thinking of the romantic scenes-secret trysts, passionate lovers, amusing flirtations, enjoyable boy/girl attraction, etc.-that are painted in books and other media. First of all, is it our duty to do what feels good or what pleases us (humanism), or should we follow God's plan, which brings true happiness? Secondly, though they may be portrayed as wonderful, enchanting, and glamorous, they really leave us empty and unfulfilled. The pleasures of sin only last for a season, and then you are caught in Satan's web of misery and problems. Thirdly, I will share something my Dad said in a recent sermon on courtship:
"Courtship is not "missing out" (being deprived, by not flirting and dating). Instead, we're setting ourselves up for a glorious entry into marriage."
God created the attraction between men and women, and He delights when those romantic feelings are saved and kept for the courtship and marriage. Then, it is a glorious, wonderful, God-blessed thing! But Satan is always trying to get us to enjoy them in the wrong timing, or the wrong way. That is the definition of lust, and we are urged,
"Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (2 Timothy 2:22)
So how do we keep our hearts pure for our future husband? This is an area that is a real battleground today. So many things-our sinful human nature, our culture, books, music, movies, and much more-conspire together to snatch pieces of our hearts away. My Dad's wise and helpful advice is:
"Go to "sleep" in the area of finding a spouse. This removes un-needed pressure and vain searching, when the right person is not yet around. This "going to sleep" was a great blessing in my own life. I had to be "woken up" to the idea of marriage.
Young ladies can perfect their skills of homemaking, and can become helpmeets to their father. This makes marriage a natural transition, as they shift to become the helpmeet of their husband.
Young men can prepare to support and lead a family, and begin serving in the church, etc."
Even if our actions are outwardly correct, we may be tempted in our thought-life. Let me give a few illustrations: I am sure you can think of others. "I wonder if ___ likes me?" "What if ___ and I got to do ___ together?" "Will ___ notice me?" Thinking of doing something with a certain young man, or playing over in your mind you and a young man getting married, or fantasizing about being married to someone, or being courted by a certain person, or spending time with or saying compromising things (or exchanging flirtatious looks) with a special somebody… I could go on with other examples, but I think you get the idea. These things cause us to give part of our heart away to that young man, even if no outward manifestation ever reveals itself. This defeats the spirit and purpose of God's glorious plan for us-to present our whole heart and body to our groom on our wedding day. We must fight against them, taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" (2 Cor. 10:5)
Keeping my heart pure-saving my romantic feelings for my future husband-has been a struggle in my own life. Let me give an example of how I deal with impure thoughts. Whenever a thought about a young man enters my brain, I instantly turn from it (not accepting, submitting to, or relishing it), and, in my own words, "hit it on the head"- immediately praying and asking God to take that thought away and help me to stay pure for my future husband. If I can think of a Scripture verse such as the one below, it is often helpful to quote it.
"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." (Pr. 4:23)
Once, I was becoming discouraged, because though I was repeatedly hitting the wrong thoughts on the head, they just kept coming back. I laid the problem before my wonderful Mom, and she encouraged me by reminding me that having such thoughts, as long as you instantly and correctly squash them, is not sinful-it is harboring them that leads to trouble. This is a battleground, dear readers, and it is not defeat to keep having enemies rise up-it is defeat to surrender and stop combating them. Satan wants us to just "give up," and as C. S. Lewis said in The Screwtape Letters (which, remember, are supposed letters from one tempter to another),
"…men usually feel that a strain could have been endured no longer at the very moment when it is ending, or when they think it is ending. …let his inner resolution be not to bear whatever comes to him, but to bear it "for a reasonable period"-and let that reasonable period be shorter than the trial is likely to last. It need not be much shorter; in attacks on patience, chastity, and fortitude, the fun is to make the man yield just when (had he but known it) relief was almost in sight." chapter 30
That last example brings up what is one of the most helpful things of all-confiding your struggles with your parents. Your pride will get in the way terribly, and Satan will throw as many obstacles in the way as he can. I usually need to beseech God to give me the strength to tell my parents. But the rewards and freedom are so great as to be indescribable! Whenever I have told my parents of my thought-struggles and sought their advice and prayers, God has given me a great freedom and joy. The temptations usually disappear, and if they do not altogether leave, they grow much weaker and less frequent. I really cannot stress this too much-tell your parents, confide in your parents, when you are having any sort of temptations or struggles! They have been placed over you to protect and guard you, and God will give them the wisdom to help you keep your heart pure. Your father, especially, has been given the charge to shield you from the temptations or attentions of young men. If ever a young man begins to show you special attention, you should approach your father and tell him about it. He will then be able to address the issue in the way he deems best.
We all will experience a certain amount of temptation, but there are things that stir up the lust of the flesh, and we should flee from them. It is not right to willfully expose ourselves to tempting things. Books and other media, such as movies and music, can do much damage, and cause us to sin. Their glorious, thought-catching romances and passionate images can linger in our imaginations and thoughts, doing much destruction-even though we might not be totally aware of their pernicious influence. No matter how wonderful something may be, if it tempts you to sin, it is not worth it. I encourage you to not give in to the desires of your flesh and feed the wrong desires by what you watch, read, or listen to. If you hold onto something because it is enjoyable, and you lose pieces of your heart because of it, what does it profit you? The following verse applies to this area:
"I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way. O when wilt Thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart. I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me." (Psalm 101:2-3)
Not only can we aid in keeping our thought-life pure by avoiding media that stirs up the wrong desires, but we also need to guard our actions. We must realize that the vast majority (in fact, all but one) of the young men we will meet are, in fact, someone else's future husband. Thus, we should keep clear from situations that would tempt either ourselves or a young man. This could include spending time with a young man, "pairing off" even in fun or for a game, confiding personal details to a young man, or just hanging around where he is. Our action and demeanor towards young men should be modest and chaste, as opposed to flirtatious, loud, showy, or trying to get attention. We should seek approval and praise from God, rather than men. A poet, William Cowper (1731-1800), described a virtuous young woman this way:
Sweet stream, that winds through yonder glade,Apt emblem of a virtuous maid--Silent and chaste, she steals along,Far from the world's gay, busy throng:With gentle yet prevailing force,Intent upon her destined course;Graceful and useful all she does,Blessing and blest where'er she goes;Pure-bosom'd as that watery glass,And Heaven reflected in her face.
This sort of maiden will be the kind that a true man will want to marry-as opposed to the shallow man who is attracted to outer glitter and a forward attitude. Lord, make us such young women whose inner beauty and godly grace bless others wherever we go!
What if you have realized that you have already given parts of your heart away? First of all, I encourage you to turn to God in repentance, asking Him to forgive you and cleanse you. You also should go to your parents and confess the wrong, asking for their forgiveness and renewed protection over you. They can help keep you accountable and protect you as you honestly seek to turn from your former ways and follow God's path of purity. The following verse in Joel offers hope to those who repent and turn:
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten…" (Joel 2:25a)
"He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy." (Pr. 28:13)
Another thing that has helped me to keep my heart pure is to throw myself wholeheartedly into serving my father and delighting in being a daughter in his house. When our eyes are focused on our future, "rosy" marriage, we become discontented with the glorious season of being in the family God has provided for us. Why waste years in fretfulness, regret, and unhappiness that God intended to be fruitful and wonderful? The seeds of discontentment grow up into horrible weeds that stifle our relationship with those around us, and leave us open to temptation.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain. …And having food and raiment let us be therewith content." (1 Timothy 6:6,8)
You may not feel like rejoicing at being at home, but I encourage you to cry out to God, asking Him to show you the glories of His plan for you at this time. He always does what is best for us, though it may not always look that way to us at present. The practice you gain at being a joyful keeper-at-home-in-training will be an indispensable blessing and asset to your future husband! My father adds his comments:
"Remember that Marriage is a good thing, but it is not the Goal for life. The Goal is to become like Christ. Note what the Lord says in Psalm 84:11. "For the LORD God is a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly."
"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." (1 Cor. 2:9)
Press on, dear readers! Continue on in purity of heart and life, striving to follow after God in obedience to His Word, refusing to be lured away by the sugar-coated poison of the world, and He will bless you beyond all you could ask or think!
"And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve Him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek Him, He will be found of thee; but if thou forsake Him, He will cast thee off for ever." (1 Chron. 28:9)
"…Remember now, O LORD, I beseech thee, how I have walked before Thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in Thy sight…" (Isaiah 38:3)
