by Janet Wahlquist
I received the following question recently:
"I have a question about "first time" obedience with honor and cheerfulness. Scripturally, I see the honor and cheerfulness, but I do not know where it says "first time." I do not obey the first time and definitely not every time. I find it difficult to expect that of my children."
Here is the answer that I have picked up from countless godly parents.
If we have no foundation in Scripture for what we do, it usually doesn't work well and we give it up, or at best are inconsistent in applying a principle.
What is the reason for expecting first time obedience? Obedience is very clearly the duty of children and we as parents must train them up in the way that they should go. (Ephes 6:1, Col 3:20, Prov 22:6) First time obedience is merely obedience itself. If something is not done when or how the master expects it, then obedience has not happened. We have failed the Master. We have not carried out what He has asked of us when he commands it be done. Obedience: compliance with a command, performing what is required. If we don't do what is commanded when the authority wants it done, then we are not doing what he requires. If I tell Deborah to pick up her dolls, I mean now and she knows this. If I must tell her again, or must wait until she wants to, then she is dictating to me when and how she will comply. She is the authority. Allowing this feeds the strong will of the child and makes it even harder for them to obey the voice of our Lord when He calls. With young children, authority must be established. Doing a task when and how the parent wants, and in a cheerful manner, indicates that obedience is happening. They must learn to deny their own destructive impulses and master self-control. This happens by being under our control.
One reason we ourselves struggle with first time obedience is because we were not trained properly or sufficiently by our own parents. Because our society has so strayed from this clear logical standard, it is extremely helpful when we specifically pinpoint First time obedience as our goal. It eliminates confusion. Both we and the child will understand what is expected. It really makes it much easier for everyone. Training is possible when we all understand the standard.
As the child matures and obedience is mastered, they will begin to understand that sometimes obedience is not meant to be immediate. For example, if I tell Elisha to make the beds while she is washing dishes, she and I know that I mean after the dishes are done. When she finishes the dishes and goes and makes the beds, she has demonstrated obedience. She is my wise, mature young lady now. This kind of expectation for young children is too confusing. Also, if she says, "Yes ma'am," and then finishes the dishes and goes to the computer first, she didn't obey, or possibly didn't understand my timetable. It is a service to children to make our expectations very clear and then enforce them.
Most importantly, First time Obedience is an indicator of the heart of the child. The heart is what we are trying to mold and make receptive to Our Lord and the commands He will be giving our children. God desires a broken and contrite heart. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." (Ps 51:17) We train to obey right away, for their sakes. We want their character to be more like Christ's. "…Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42) Are they able they say yes to our commands, and no to their own desires of the moment? Surely, that is what we want them to develop for the later years when the youthful lusts will assail them. The parable of a son who said he wouldn't do his father's command, and then went and did it, is demonstrating that repentance is needed and brokenness. It is not advocating delayed "obedience."
First time obedience demonstrates reverence, which is also commanded in scripture."Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?" (Heb. 12:19) The child does the bidding of the parent before pursuing his own agenda. The worldly slant these days is to level the playing field. Everyone is treated as no more worthy of reverence than another. And yet the Bible would have children honor their parents in a special way. (Exo 20:12, Deut. 5:16, Mal 1:6, Matt 15:4, Matt. 19:19, Mark 7:10, and Ephes. 6:2) Reverence includes putting the one in authority first, and doing things in a timely manner to please him. I am encouraged to listen to His prompting and train my children when they are not quick to obey the first time. I am expecting the joyful fruit of self-control in their lives.
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts." (Gal. 5:22-24)
